The Feedback Paradox

Who holds more power in a feedback conversation, the giver or the receiver?

Most people instinctively point to the giver—who starts the conversation, frames the message and, often, holds the perceived authority. And to be fair, most feedback workshops, classes, and articles reinforce this giver bias by teaching structured models, polished phrasing, and best practices for delivering feedback well.

But here’s the paradox: While the giver appears to hold the power, it’s the receiver who ultimately determines the impact. No matter how skilled the giver is, if the receiver is defensive or disengaged, the conversation falters. On the other hand, even clumsy or poorly phrased feedback can be salvaged if the receiver stays curious and open.

Why receiving feedback is so difficult

Several factors make feedback hard to receive. Who delivers it matters—do we trust them, and do we respect their perspective? How it’s delivered also plays a role: clear or clumsy, supportive or sharp. Timing affects everything, too; feedback hits differently in the rush of a busy day than in a quiet moment of reflection. Even where it happens—public or private—can shape how it’s interpreted and how willing we are to take it in.

The biggest obstacle, however, is internal. Our ego, the part of us that wants to see ourselves as competent and good, feels threatened by feedback. When that sense of self is under attack, our instinct is to defend rather than to learn. We do it in predictable ways: by tuning out, arguing, changing the subject, or rationalizing our behavior.

What are we to do about it? How do we get better at receiving feedback?

Drawing on methods developed in NextArrow’s feedback training, here are four steps that help people respond with composure, curiosity, and clarity.

Step 1: Pick a secret feedback identity

The identities we wear shape how we receive feedback. If I go into the conversation as a know-it-all, I’m more likely to get defensive when feedback challenges that self-concept. But if I step into a different identity, a learn-it-all, I can meet the same feedback with curiosity instead of resistance.

In her excellent book, The Scout Mindset, Julia Galef shows how powerful identities can be in shaping our behavior. She contrasts the soldier mindset, which defends beliefs and fights to win, with the scout mindset, which seeks to understand and map reality as it truly is. When we approach feedback with a soldier mindset, we treat it like a battle to survive or prove ourselves right. When we adopt a scout mindset, feedback becomes reconnaissance, information that helps us see the terrain more clearly and improve our next move.

CTA: Before your next feedback conversation, choose a secret feedback identity that leans toward growth: the learner, the scientist, the explorer, the scout. That quiet mental shift changes how you hear, interpret, and respond to what is said.

Step 2: Ask for it

Research shows that asking for feedback actually reduces anxiety for the receiver because it restores a sense of autonomy and control, two powerful antidotes to the stress of evaluation.

Yet most people avoid asking for feedback altogether, fearing what they might hear. Others make vague requests like, “Any feedback for me?,” which often leads to polite generalities or awkward silence.

To make your request effective, give the giver a clear target:

• The Focused Ask: “Can you give me feedback on how I handled the Q&A in that meeting?”

• The Balanced Ask: “What’s one thing that worked well in how I handled that call, and one thing I could improve?”

• The Courageous Ask: “What’s something others might hesitate to tell me, but I’d benefit from hearing?”

• The Advice Ask: "I’m working on improving how I lead team meetings. Do you have any advice for me?"

Each question lowers defensiveness, signals openness, and makes it easier for others to respond honestly.

CTA: Before your next meeting this week, choose one focused question from this list and ask someone for feedback. Notice how it changes the conversation.

Step 3: Zip it and listen

When receiving feedback, many of us feel pressure to speak, explain, or react right away. But when everyone talks at once, a small feedback puppy goes to die in the corner. One of the most underrated skills in today’s workplace is deep, focused listening.

At NextArrow, we teach a simple cue called the ZIP IT method, which stands for Zoom In, Person Is Talking.

It’s a reminder to pause, stay present, and give the speaker your full attention. Saying “ZIP IT” to yourself can help you stop planning your next point, stay curious, notice tone and emotion, and focus on the whole message rather than just the words. Especially in high-stakes or emotional moments, this helps you stay grounded and constructive.

CTA: In your next feedback moment, say “ZIP IT” to yourself and give the other person one uninterrupted minute of full attention. See what you learn when you stop talking.

Step 4: Find the second score

Great feedback receivers share one thing in common: they keep extracting learning from every feedback experience. One of the best ways to do this is through what Adam Grant calls the Second Score.

In any feedback conversation, you’re being evaluated. That’s your first score. It reflects how people view your past performance. But there’s also a second score, how you handle and respond to the feedback, and that one is fully in your control.

The goal is to shift your focus from defending the first score to excelling at the second one. Instead of arguing over what happened, aim for an A+ in the second score by showing curiosity, openness, and a genuine desire to improve.

Second-score thinking doesn’t mean you stay silent or suppress your perspective. It means that how you share it, calmly, thoughtfully, and with a learning mindset, is part of your second score.

Over time, this shift turns feedback from a judgment into a continuous learning opportunity.

CTA: After your next piece of feedback, rate yourself on the second score. How well did you listen, stay open, and respond with curiosity?

From adopting a secret feedback identity before the conversation to focusing on your second score after it, these steps can help anyone turn feedback moments into tools for growth and raise the quality of every feedback conversation.